my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
