You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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