And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
