Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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