If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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