Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Randomize
