smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
