One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
