I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
