She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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