the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
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