Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day đđ#pensacolaproblems
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type âdog twerkingâ into google search? Because I donât think you do.
Randomize
