Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Randomize
