I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
