I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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