My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
