You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
