I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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