Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Randomize
