I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
