How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
