we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
