ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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