You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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