Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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