My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
