My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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