Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
