I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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