Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
