i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
The Olympian is in my bed
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
