I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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