Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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