why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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