Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
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why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
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I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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