In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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