im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
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