Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
