Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
