Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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