She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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