Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
