I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize