I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
