She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
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