i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
