I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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