My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I skipped work to stalk him.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
