I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
