I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
