Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Randomize
