If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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