I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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