dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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