i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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