I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
