you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
