And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Just invented taco cereal.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
