Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
